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Coaching Tips

The Pre-suppositions of NLP

Part 2 - The Meaning of the communication is the response you get.

“It is not enough that we do our best; sometimes we must do what is required.”

–Sir Winston Churchill

Continuing our exploration of the “Pre-suppositions of NLP”, we turn our attention to the second underlying principle:–

“The meaning of the communication is the response you get”.

I’m sure you’ve experienced it, frustration and confusion at an unexpected response to something you’ve said to someone. You may think you’ve been perfectly clear, yet they misunderstand or do something different.

There are a number of ways to solve this –

1. We need to accept that it is our responsibility for the consequences of our communication.

If the result is not quite what we expected, then we need to alter our message and delivery, and then check for understanding to achieve the results we want.

For example, many years ago, I took my scout troop on an expedition to Hadrian’s Wall in Northumberland. We had done a very thorough risk assessment, which included the risk of the scouts getting lost due to novice navigation abilities. This risk, we thought, was mitigated by there being a rather large Roman Wall to the left of the path and an even larger Roman ditch to the right – you get the picture, I’m sure.

We sent them off down a farm track towards the wall in groups of 6. The footpath was about 100 yds ahead and was clearly signposted. I gave them the instructions to turn left onto the footpath at the signpost, and pointed out the large Roman Wall, which was clearly visible from the starting point.

You can imagine our dismay as we looked to the path from our vantage point and there were no scouts to be seen! Shortly after, we received a call from the first group to say they were lost. When we asked what they could see, they replied “We’re surrounded by water!”

Fortunately, this made locating them extremely easy – as the farmer’s track ended at a bend in the river, and so, it was indeed, surrounded by water on almost all sides.

The learning we made that day, was to check that every scout had seen the signpost for the path before they set off and to check their understanding of the instructions (and also give the distance to walk in metres, rather than yards).

Having done this, the following groups followed the instructions and found the footpath without a problem.

1. We need to ensure that the people with whom we are communicating are actually paying attention and actively listening to us.

It is also important to remember this when someone is communicating with us too.

I’m sure we’ve all done it. Someone is trying to tell us something really important, but we have a lot of stuff on our mind. Maybe we’re in a hurry and right now is not the time for a conversation. Imagine how the other person feels as we dismiss their words, simply don’t take them in, or worse still, respond with “Yeah, yeah” and move on.

When we are communicating important information, it is vital to gain the other person’s attention before delivering the information.

Recently I was running a scout event. Teams of 6 young people were using a “Perrier” (a medieval sling shot weapon) to hurl bean bags at a target. This contraption has the potential to be extremely dangerous.

I started my safety briefing with each group by pointing to the hook at the end of the throwing arm and saying “Do you all see this hook?... This hook will take your face off!”

The result – I had their undivided attention whilst we delivered the safety briefing. Better still, they enjoyed the challenge immensely and safely, learning about medieval history in the process.

1. We need to craft messages precisely.

Understanding how and when to use different language patterns can be a real communication game-changer. For example

Embedded command - “Walk around the puddle” – YOU set the direction.

Negative command - “Don’t look now, guess who just walked in?” - people ALWAYS turn around to look!

Conversational postulate - “Can you pass the salt?” – generates an action response rather than a yes/no response.

When my children first started school, we would tell them exactly what we wanted them to do. Having paid £40 for a tiny pair of shoes, we wanted them to last more than a week. So, on a rainy day, we would say to them “Oh look, there’s a puddle, now remember, we walk around the puddle.”

This is an example of an embedded command, the command “Walk around the puddle” is contained in a larger sentence.

An alternative approach can also be useful in coaching and therapy. The deliberate use of a “negative command” – telling someone what we want them to do and preceding the command with the word “don’t”.

For example, a client wanted to stop smoking. She was motivated to do this when her 3-year-old daughter said to her “Can I have one of your smokes mummy?”

As she told me this, I could see the shame and guilt she felt at the example she was setting her daughter and knew this would be a great motivation for change.

During her session I repeatedly used “negative commands”, saying to her “Now, I don’t want you to think of what Molly said to you…”. I knew full well, that she would vivdly remember Molly’s words and how they made her feel. Setting up a powerful motivator for lasting change.

Another example of carefully crafted, precise communication is the use of a “Can you…?” question (a conversational postulate).

For example, “Can you think, now, of how you’d really want your daughter to see you? Would you rather she saw a strong, motivated mother, with a healthy lifestyle?”

In this example, the literal answer to the “Can you…” question could be a “Yes” or a “No”, the most likely response is to create an image of how she would like to appear to her daughter.

Remember, your primary focus should be HOW you want the listener to respond.

Simple, clear, direct communication – check for listening, check for understanding, amend and if necessary, reword and repeat.

These approaches ensure your message is crafted to deliver the response you want.

Over the days and weeks ahead, take time to truly LISTEN to the communication of others. If you are not sure you understand their meaning, check with them.

When you are communicating, check understanding with an open question e.g. “How will you know you’re on the right path?”

Use a “hook” to get attention before delivering your message.

Be flexible in your communication style and craft your message precisely.

Have fun and learn loads. If you need any help, contact me, it’s always a pleasure to chat all things NLP.

Call us on 0151 931 5184 or email us at enquiries@nlpliverpool.com

In Part 3, we'll look at "The distinctions Human Beings are able to make concerning our environment".

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