NLP Liverpool

Coaching Tips

Setting Direction.

Part 7 - What will happen if you don't get it?

“The important thing is not to stop questioning.
Curiosity has its own reason for existing.”

– Albert Einstein

When setting our goals it's natural to simply focus on achieving them. This is a good thing, as it helps us formulate a plan to fulfil our goals.

Yet, as all good managers, strategists (and parents) know, it is also worth considering the alternatives.

You could think of it as contingency planning, a differential diagnosis if you will, or simply exploring the thoughts and feelings you may have if you don’t achieve your goals.

So, following our sequence of questions for formulating a well-formed goal (follow this link for the full set), the next question to ask when setting direction is “What Will happen if you Don’t get it?”

On the surface, this may be seen as a relatively simple question (“If you don’t get the result you’re looking for, what is going to happen?”). Yet beyond this simple interpretation is something a bit more special.

Over the last 25 years, when I’ve asked this question of my clients, the answers fall broadly into two categories.

Firstly, there is the “current situation” answer – that is, the client’s answer is often a list of the drawbacks or negatives they experience currently, and the reason they want their goal.

This approach to the answer can be extremely useful, allowing us to build the desire to move away from their current situation and towards their goal.

If you get this type of answer, tune in to the tonality and physiology of the client as they deliver their answer. It can often be seen as “negativity” towards their current situation, which we can use later.

For example, a client wanting to change jobs or careers may feel stuck in a job/career path that is unfulfilling and stressful. Focussing on the negatives of this lets us encourage them to feel these uncomfortable feelings and amplify them further, thus encouraging them to move away from the current situation and towards their goal.

Secondly, there is the “I’m determined to get it” answer – that is, the client provides alternative strategies to achieve their goal or re-iterates their determination to get it.

Once again, pay close attention to the tonality and physiology, as the client gives you their answer.

We can then amplify and anchor the feelings of determination to achieve the goal, for use later in the session.

There is, of course, also a third type of answer that may reveal any secondary gain for the current situation (or not getting the goal).

For example, a few years ago a client wanted help with a phobia of flying, and whilst we chatted about what being free to fly would mean for her, I had an inkling there was something she wasn’t telling me. So I asked the question “What will happen if you don’t get it?” … meaning …. What will happen if you don’t overcome your fear of flying?

Her answer revealed the reason she had hung onto the Flying Phobia for so long. “Well, if I don’t get rid of the phobia, then I won’t have to go to my sister-in-law’s wedding in Australia.” She did not like her sister-in-law at all and was very keen not to go.

The secondary gain of keeping the flying phobia far outweighed any motivation to fix it. Once she’d acknowledged and overcome this, we were able to help her as she did want to fly abroad for other holidays.

Today, whether you work with clients or are thinking of your own goals, explore the goal more fully by asking the question “What will happen if you (or I) don’t get it?”

Pay close attention to the words, tonality and physiology of your client (or yourself) as you answer the question.

If the thought of not getting the goal fills you with either horror or determination, use this as your motivation.

On the other hand, if you realise that by not achieving your goal you get something else of value, then explore that. Is that “secondary gain” more useful to you than your goal?

Let us know how you and your (tricky?) clients get on here or if you want to discuss further, do get in touch.

Next time, in this series, we’ll examine the question “What won’t happen if you don’t get it?”

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